Happy holidays to many of you, and happy New Year! 

We’re headed into a fresh year, and this is traditionally a time when we recommit, re-energize around goals and desires, bolster our will and enthusiasm, and try to shift from inaction to action about what we care about most in our lives.  Coaching is a wonderful support for that, it can provide accountability and structure to help you jump your hurdle and/or change your habits.   

While coaching can help you shift into action, it is sometimes in a different way than you might imagine.  Something my work has brought forward this week is the way that we equate stuck with frozen, or inaction, but inside it often functions more like an internal tug of war - two competing drives each with a strong opposing desire.  For example a part of you that wants more aliveness might be craving adventure, but there might be an equally strong internal drive for safety or comfort that is resisting making travel plans.  The opposition can be as simple as I want that cookie/I don’t want that cookie to as complicated as I want to quit my job/I don’t want to quit my job or I want to be a parent/I don’t want to be a parent.  These competing internal desires wear us down, it is actually the opposite of frozen, it’s hard exhausting work. We are stuck because we spend our time trying to convince ourselves to either pursue our dream or to give up our dream, and that battle drains our energy.
 
The work of coaching can support action as you might expect - by creating lists of steps, by having accountability, and by working through obstacles.  This is a way people commonly think of coaching.  But it can also support action by making space for what I think of as internal team building.  It can allow you to give a voice to each competing internal drive, each unique perspective, and teach these voices to work in collaboration rather than competition.  It can build trust between these varied desires and help them cultivate a shared vision, aligning around their common ground, which is your well being. 

Internal team building helps you understand the roles different parts of you play, so you can decide who’s perspective will support your goals, rather than believing that one particular internal perspective is ‘the truth.’  It allows for unlikely solutions to age old problems because the varied aspects of you have shared goals, understand and support each other’s roles, collaborate on solving problems in ways every part of you can get behind, and learn to listen to, care for, and respect each other.  Just like effective professional team building improves organizational performance and boosts moral, internal team building lifts your enthusiasm and streamlines how you area able to function in relationship to your goals and dreams. 

Imagine how it would feel to have all the voices inside you give up the tug of war, and start pulling on the same side of the rope.  No resistance and tons of force would equal quick work.  Coaching can offer this kind of realignment, this kind of internal shift that clears the way for you take action on whatever is calling out to you to be done. 

If that sounds interesting, I encourage you to set up a free initial consultation with me.  Now is the perfect moment to get on the side of your own progress. 

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510-414-1543 or [email protected]
to book a free 30 minute consult.  

Most people seem to have more than one voice in their heads.  They have these internal running ‘monologues’ that are really closer to dialogues or even committee meetings.  Different parts of ourselves want different things for different reasons.  This can make decision making confusing, frustrating, sometimes feel impossible. 

I’ve had more than one client this week who was playing tug of war inside themselves.  Two different needs, two different priorities, each holding their own ground, and the client stuck going nowhere.  Trapped between competing values, competing desires, they end up immobile.  Sometimes this tug of war can go on for years.  I’ve heard so many people come to coaching saying ‘I’ve wanted this forever, I don’t know why I can’t do it!’ I’ve said this myself.  One part of us has wanted change, while another part of us has wanted to maintain the status quo. 

The most common tug of war I see with clients, probably because of the growth mindset nature of coaching, is the battle between change and safety.   Am I willing to strike out in an unknown direction?  Will I make an internal shift, and try things that are scary, uncomfortable, out of my control?  When we start down these paths, it’s common for our saboteurs, our survival strategies, our past ideas, to swarm to the front of the internal conversation.  They are acting as protectors of us, of our safety, they try to maintain control for the sake of our security. 

The simplest definition of courage is being afraid and taking action anyway.  Courage is allowing the dreamers, the visionaries, the gut truths inside us be the conversation guides and the decision influencers.  We don’t need to completely shut down our saboteurs, but just allow that their truth might not be ‘the truth.’  Just allow for other perspectives, other guides, to come to the internal podium. 

I think I keep noticing this with clients this week because I’m in a moment of being in internal dialog myself.  I’m hearing loud, internal, potentially conflicting calls for both safety and courageous action.  I know what my values are, and I’m in a moment where two of my strongest values are not totally aligned: one is to do the right thing, to pursue justice relentlessly, for all, and the other is to keep my family safe. 

One of the blessings of my work is knowing that I don’t have to chose one.   I don’t need to be frozen in indecision, and I don’t need to be reactive in time honored ways.  I can trust these two quite different core values, and move forward down a path where they are not in opposition but in alliance.  Where there is internal room for both voices to be heard, accepted, and to collaborate together on my next steps.  Where there is even room for third and fourth voices to come in to the conversation, to question and challenge these values, and also to uphold these values as my truths.   I can explore how far I can push the boundaries of my courage and where it feels essential and prudent to hold a line of safety, and whether either of those are more flexible than I imagine. 
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This is really up for me today, and I could use your support to not end up in a tug of war.  My community, would you please hold me accountable?  Please support me in finding more and more of my courage, in showing up in ways that will be effective and impactful, in seeking opportunities to support justice that will land.  And also please support me in assuring to the best of my ability the safety of my family, in not becoming paralyzed by fear or demoralization, and instead taking proactive steps toward their safety.  And the safety of all.  When I have moments of feeling I have to choose, please remind me that I do not.  That these are my values and I can honor them together.  That they provide each other balance and can be aligned with each other.  Would you please do that for me?  

I’ve been really struggling with writing a new blog post.  I’m long overdue, my aim is to write one every week or two, but I just have been having trouble getting into the head space for it.  I think it’s because I’m OBSESSED with the election, and anxious about it, and so I’m not feeling ‘inspiring.’  Or whatever I think I’m supposed to be for you in these posts, in order to market my business. 

But here’s what I’ve learned from coaching.  Just name exactly what is.  Just name it, and see if it resonates.  Trust where you are, don’t try to be somewhere else.  Any path deeper and forward starts right exactly here. 

So here’s the thing.  I can’t be a blogger right now who isn’t obsessed with the election.  I can’t be a coach, or a parent, or a wife, or a writer, who isn’t obsessed with the election right now.  And my obsession with the election is allowed to inform my choices, shape my next steps, my conversations, even my blog posts.  In fact it must inform them.  If I’m going to live a fulfilling life, if I’m going to be in my messy truth, I have to root myself where I’m actually standing, because that’s where I’m powerful, that’s where I have a voice. 

You know, I have a broken toe right now.  I notice that I’m not trying to somehow overcome that obstacle.  I’m not like – toe, shmo, now would a great time to run a marathon!  No, I start with the premise that I have a broken toe right now, and so whatever I do needs to take that into consideration.  The same rule holds for this election cycle.  What’s happening in our country right now is a BIG DEAL.  And I care about it.  That makes me present, human, connected, in touch.  So anything I do in the next five weeks is going to be informed by this as my starting place. 

You know what I’m finding ‘inspiring’ right now?  Folks who pitch in even if they can’t do the whole thing themselves.  People who reaching beyond being frozen to do something, some small piece, or big piece, the size doesn’t matter.  It's looking from a distance at all these people cumulatively, and seeing their collective impact.  That is inspiring. 

So wherever you are today, whether you share my obsession or have one of your own, do you have small steps you are taking to make a difference?  Are you doing things today that have a positive impact on the lives of others?  Have you made get out the vote calls?  Have you fed people who were hungry?  Have you donated to support hurricane relief in Haiti?  Have you gone to work at a job that provides service?  Have you created something that brings hope?  Have you been present emotionally with another?  Have you listened?  Have you been kind? 

Are you centering whatever is true for you today?  Staking it in the middle of your actions, your choices, letting it be your voice?  Are you being guided to action by what you find inspiring in the actions others?  What if we all lived that way every day? 
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I want you to know that I’m moved by you.  You are uplifting me during this tenuous time.  People in my life, clients, social media friends and strangers, your small steps, your courage, your actions, are inspiring to me right now.  I take deep comfort from being among you, taking my small next steps alongside yours.  

​Last weekend I was invited to lead a workshop at a writing retreat and do some coaching with writing students.  My favorite clients are folks who are trying to put what they are driven by, what makes them shine, in the center of their lives, so creative folks exploring their creativity is totally up my alley. 

In the coaching there, the same metaphor came up with multiple people, and I’ve been thinking about it since then:  Before I had my own kids I was invited to witness a birth.  I had only seen birth on television, and my idea of ‘pushing’ was that someone worked really hard, strained, to try to get the baby out.  When I actually saw ‘pushing’ in person I understood immediately that it was more something that was happening to the woman giving birth, less something she was doing.  Her body was acting on instinct, resistance was near impossible, and she gave in repeatedly to an urge like a tidal wave, carrying her along on it’s crest.  She was being, not doing.  She was literally channeling something, it was coming through her, and she was allowing it because to resist was excruciating.   

Writing can be like this, something that happens to you, rather than something you do.  In fact anything creative, really anything at all that is led by passion, or calling, or deep resonance has the potential to feel like you are acting as a channel.   Teaching is like this for me, and writing, mothering, and coaching.  Moving toward a goal that has a core drive behind it can feel like giving birth to something that is bigger than our will or design, something actually out of our control because it’s call to be in the world, to be out of us, is so strong it becomes almost unstoppable. 

And yet, people so often approach these kinds of goals like they are giving birth in a movie, straining and groaning their way through the process.  Fighting to release something that doesn’t require a fight, it just requires surrender.  People try to shape, restrict, or wrangle writing that is itching to hit the page, censoring it before it’s even on paper, try to logically or practically reshape their dreams when they are begging to be set free as is.  One lesson that has come up for me over and over as a coach is that the question to ask next is usually simpler than the one I’m searching for, and the answer more obvious than the one given.  The right path is actually often the easiest one, because all it requires is letting go and accepting it as your path. 

Pursuing your dreams is actually the most simple way forward because there is no drag on the line, and much less work to do.  It’s going on a ride instead of a hike.  Your gut, your intuition, your quiet sure internal voice, they know your direction, they are already pushing, all you have to do is allow them to take over.  Imagine the relief in letting go of resistance and surrendering to that urge. You'd be unstoppable.  

​The original idea behind this blog was as a place to mull over the things I’m left thinking about after sessions with my clients.  The things that stick with me, gnaw at me, and make me curious.  I’ve wandered a little more broadly than that, but at it’s core, it’s meant to be an avenue for me to get to explore big ideas. 

Here’s something that came up this week – How do you know if you are done? 

I have a client who I’ve been working with for almost a year, and the goals we set out to address when we started our work together are met.  It’s glorious.  She’s seen real transformation in her life, and arrived in a place that was only a dream when we first started coaching.  So the question arose between us, are we complete in our work together (Is this an ending?) or have we simply reached our first port, and are now ready to set off on the next leg of our journey (Is this a new beginning?).   

We seem to live our lives in chapters.  We categorize periods of time by relationships, jobs, schooling, cities, life cycle events, any major life transition marks a new chapter.  As a new chapter begins, there is anticipation of what is coming next, and sometimes a pause to say to goodbye to what came before, to have what people call closure. 

I’ve seen two main kinds of reactions to the close of chapters in my clients.  One, I’ve seen folks want a break.  They want a moment of downtime in between, before turning their sights to what’s next.  They want to wrap up, let go, and go have a beer or take a vacation.  The other is folks who don’t even notice the end of the last chapter because they’re already in the beginning of the next chapter.  They swing from thing to thing without looking back, using momentum to drive them forward. 

But here’s what I rarely see.  Folks who let themselves have a culmination.  It’s a little different than closure, and there’s probably a better word for it, but what I mean is give themselves time to review the last chapter, absorb and reflect on the lessons from it, appreciate their accomplishments during it, note what they’ve gained and what they’ve let go of, and take stock of where they are now and how that is different than where they started.  Valedictorians get the chance to do this kind of thinking, yearly job reviews can offer this if they’re done very well, as can wedding anniversaries and birthdays, also only if they are done very well.  But generally I don’t see this response to chapter transitions often. 

It got me thinking about life chapters.  We have these other kind of chapters in our lives not marked by external changes, but marked by internal changes.  We can look back and see how we’ve grown, where we’ve shifted, stretched and evolved, but it’s harder to see them happening in real time.  We’re so close to our own lives, it’s hard to see the big picture of them.  How then, can you tell if you’ve completed this kind of chapter, not in retrospect but in the moment? 

For me, I think it has something to do with this practice of completion and review.  Not just how was the day, not just letting go of the day, but how did the day change you, influence you, guide you?  What did it teach you?  Imagine what you’d learn reflecting on that every evening.  How it would influence your path.  How much clarity you might have.  Every ending is a new beginning, that’s a deep truth, but I think every ending is an ending too.  So maybe the question isn’t how do you know when you are at the end of a chapter, but how do you choose to end a chapter?  What do you let the closing of each chapter offer you? 

Monday Musing (posted on Tuesday)
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Xox,
Kendra

Five well-tested strategies that will get you what you really want.  
 
Something is holding you back right now from running full speed toward your dreams.  If there were no obstacles at all you probably wouldn’t have clicked on this link.  The most common culprits between you and your deepest desires are these –
Insecurity about your abilities, skills, or talents.
Fear about money or achieving success.
Worry about how your spouse will feel, or your parents, or your peers.
Worry about whether you’ll have enough prestige or approval.
Fear that you don’t have the education/experience/access to reach it.
Worry that what you want isn’t possible.
 
There are others, but in my coaching business these are the ones I hear most frequently.  Here are five steps that can, and will, get you there. 
 
1. Get Permission 
 
In order to move forward, the first step is to get permission - from yourself.  Ask your fear, worry, and insecurity to let a different part of you take the wheel.  This isn’t wooo, this is practical.  The dreaming part of your brain needs to be the leader when you are going in a new direction.  Hope and possibility need to be able to guide you, if you are going somewhere you haven’t been before.  (I promise you that fear, worry, and insecurity will be along for the ride and ready to step in at a moment’s notice.  They won’t abandon you if you ask them to take a back seat.)  Let your fantasizer be the driver for the first leg of your journey.   Dreams are realized when the driver is a part of you that doesn’t always listen to Siri about directions, and might take an exit just because it looks like you might be able to see the sunset well from that peak over there, or because the sign promising local peaches excites your senses.
 
If you look at your dreams and there are pieces that don’t seem to go together - a common pair is risk and security, another frequent pair is joy/passion and financial compensation - give yourself permission to look for them on the same path.  Suspend your disbelief and seek them in the same place.  Pursue the goal you really have, and not the safe or ‘realistic’ version of it.  It is an amazing truth that when you bring your unique talents to the world, the world embraces them, because they cannot be found anywhere else. 
 
So give yourself permission.  And then share your newfound permission with those who are close to you.  Let your spouse, your parents, or your peers know that you are seeking fulfillment at full steam.  Ask them to support you and cheer you on.  Chances are high that your worries, fears, and insecurities have more doubts than they do about how incredible you are, and about what you are capable of accomplishing.  Tell them and allow them to be excited for you.  When they cheer you on, believe what they say about you, and let it feed your dreaming mind.
 
2.  Be Yourself
 
My coaching clients, when talking about their dreams, have often started sentences with ‘If I was the kind of person who…’  Now the cold hard truth of the matter is: you are not that kind of person.  I’m not saying you will never be that kind of person (although you might well not), but right now, at the moment that you are starting your journey toward this dream, you aren’t.  One of the best tips I have for achieving your dreams is to be willing to move toward your dream AS IS. 
 
Mine your self-knowledge with unrelenting honesty.  What kind of work/life balance do you need to have to really sustain something?  What are your core values and beliefs?  Not the ones you’d like to have but the ones you already truly have?  How do you get successfully motivated?  What brings out your procrastination and inertia?  What are the circadian rhythms of your work habits?  Do you have periods of high activity and low activity?  Do you need variety or repetitive structure?  Are there certain times of day where you think differently – creatively, productively, organizationally, etc.?  When you’ve succeeded in getting something done, why and how did that happen?  A sincere inquiry into WHO YOU ARE gives you all the tools you need to successfully move forward.  You can motivate yourself with things that will actually be motivating.  You can accomplish things in ways that will actually accomplish them.   We all have ways we’d like to be different than we are, but waiting to be that person ends your journey before you even leave the house. 
 
3.  Build Your Team
 
When you are seeking transformational change, it’s good to have folks in your corner.  You’ll need people who can hold the thread of your dream through your moments of doubt.  Folks who can keep their sites on the forest for you, when you get sidetracked by the trees.  Transformation is supported by people in your life who believe in you, cherish you, and are rooting for you.
 
Seek people who can spot your patterns and are willing to share kindly and honestly.  If you are someone who tends to get discouraged by rejection, or who questions themselves when others see things differently, or who is always striving for satisfaction around the next corner, these are helpful things to understand about how you operate.  Honest and kind insight can help you make choices based around the reality of who you are, so that you don’t accidentally end up in your own way. 
 
Find people who share your excitement.  Dream with them and brainstorm with them.  Two or three people in a room together can generate ideas bigger than any of the same people can on their own.  Root for each other wholeheartedly.  Becoming part of something bigger than you, and letting yourself belong there, builds momentum. 
 
Be accountable to someone.  This isn’t just about follow-through, although accountability can help with that.  It’s also about making sure steps and goals are realistic, and that who you are and how you operate are part of the equation.  If something didn’t work, accountability allows you to take stock without jumping ship.  It allows for course correction.  It adjusts your rudder.  Accountability takes failure out of the equation and instead creates a series of experiments, efforts, and inquiries that allow you to move forward with the least resistance.  Like a river winding its way down a mountain doesn’t fail when it rounds a bend, accountability allows you find the course where your efforts will flow most swiftly and easily. 
 
Obviously I think coaches are great for each of these types of support, since we are trained to be, but also therapists, close friends, colleagues, parents, children, and spouses can and should be cultivated as part of your support team.  Whoever you choose to be with on your journey, rally them around you, and invite them inside your dream.
 
4.  Do The Footwork
 
I’ve written about this in past blog posts, but the amazing thing about giant, transformational change is that it’s just putting one foot in front of the other, and doing one small thing at a time.  
 
First of all, let me say that you are not required to reinvent the wheel, you can absolutely learn from those who came before you.  For example, others have studied marketing before me, and if their data dictates that giving you this information in a list of five things, with a catchy title, makes it more readable, I can start my climb from where they left off instead of from the ground.  Research, absorb, and immerse yourself in what is already out there. 
 
Ground yourself into your dream using what you bring from the start – if you are a beginner swimmer, you already have the building blocks of floating, walking, running, holding your breath etc.  You are not a blank slate when you are a beginner.  Know what you bring. That said, let yourself be a beginner, and also look for the experts.  If you want to create a website, look at many websites, talk to web designers, play with simple web design platforms. 
 
Learning is not linear, it’s like putting together a jig saw puzzle.  You’ll slowly start to see things take shape – Oh, it’s a puzzle of a dog, ok, I’d better look for eyes and I bet all these pink pieces are it’s tongue.  Wait, it’s actually two dogs, I’m looking for eight legs, not  four.  Immersion as a learning style will show you where your growth curve is, and following that curve will give you a clearer sense of direction and next steps. 
 
On the other hand, feel free to reinvent the wheel!  If you look at what is out there, and you understand it, and you see that your contribution to it is something completely new and unique and revolutionary, by all means follow that path.  It will be created one stone at a time just like a well trod path, except that you may only be able to see one or two steps ahead of you while you’re on it.  More faith may be involved, but the steps are exactly the same.
 
My best advice about footwork is two fold, first look for low hanging fruit, and second, do it by hook or by crook.  Look for the low hanging fruit: start small, it’s easiest to do so you’re the most likely to do it, but it shifts you into motion, dispels your inertia, and starts to create intrinsic reward.  Once you’ve tasted an apple you can reach from the ground, and loved it, you might be willing to go on your toes for the next one, or even climb onto a low branch.  Low hanging fruit also teaches you and orients you – go for the reddest apples you discover, they are sweeter.  Once you are walking on a path, it’s much easier to keep walking.  Standing at the beginning of the path staring down it is the scariest view. 
 
By hook or by crook: do it badly at first, as long as you do it somehow now, you’ll do it better later.  The number one hang up I’ve seen as a coach is folks who want to be perfect before they’ll begin.  I’m not saying preparation is a bad thing, but if it prevents you from getting started it becomes a bad thing.  And there is some amount of learning that you can only get from doing.  If you want to be a writer, write.  Today.  Now.  Do it every day.  Even if only for five minutes.  Even if you’re only writing ‘I don’t know what to write.’  Write on the back of napkins and dictate fragments of ideas to your phone at red lights.  In time, it will teach you all the habits of a writer.  When people start with the lowest hanging fruit, by hook or by crook, they don’t stay there.  It’s just an entry point.  But it gets you in the game. 
 
5.  Do The Meta Footwork
 
In the coaching certification classes I took at CTI, they had a core concept called ‘Forward and Deepen.’  Both trajectories, they teach, are needed simultaneously for true transformation.  I buy this heart and soul.  If the footwork is the ‘Forward,’ then there is also meta level footwork, the ‘Deepen.’  Meta level footwork isn’t as fun.  It’s things like feeling your feelings, accepting your humanity, trusting your gut, and building your capacity to dream.  Remember when we talked before about ‘being yourself’?  This is the BEING in the being yourself.  It’s the hardest part of transformation, it’s sinking into the root of you, shedding light, and cultivating a relationship with what you find there.  Carrying forward the writer metaphor, the meta footwork might be trusting you have something unique to say in your writing, and that your voice is worth sharing with others.  It might be accepting that the internet can be a ruthless place, and yet finding the courage to put your writing out there anyway.  It might be believing in your talent or your craft or your creativity.  The meta footwork clears a deep space in you, that allows you to take small steps forward without hitting internal blockades.  The meta footwork is about acceptance, courage, values, and trust.  
 
I believe that true transformation is rooted in an abundant perspective.  It is an offering of our deepest gifts to the world, and trusting that the world will know the value of what it is receiving.  It is an act of generosity. 
 
This is how you get what you want.  It’s actually quite simple. 

Kendra Lubalin is a coach at Get There Coaching
Kendra works one-on-one with clients to clarify their dreams, break them down into bite-sized realistic steps, and then reach them using their own organic work/organizational styles. 
She offers free 20-30 minute initial phone consultations.and offers sessions by phone, Facetime, or Skype
gettherecoaching.com
[email protected]
510-414-1543

In January I put a promotion on Facebook.  It was a straight forward promotion - contact me by January 31st and I’ll gift you two free coaching sessions.  No strings attached. 

My marketing strategy behind this promotion was based on past experiences.  In building my early practice I offered quite a few free trial sessions to people, and most of them ended up hiring me.  This showed me that the service I offer is valuable to clients once experienced, and therefore low hanging fruit to get people in the door was a good marketing plan. 

I posted this promotion in the beginning of January, New Years resolutions and all that, and put up weekly reminders throughout the month reminding folks that they could take advantage of this deal. 

Something statistically fascinating happened. 

In the first 29 days of January, 2 people responded to the promotion.

In the last 2 days of January, 7 people responded to the promotion. 

One person responded at midnight between the 31st and the 1st. 

Lesson learned: You guys respond to a deadline. 

So let me give you one….

When you are trying to decide the best time to live the most fulfilling life possible – The answer is TODAY. 

It’s honestly that simple.  There is no other day that is going to be better suited to moving toward a richer, more satisfying life.  No other day is going to have less in it or be a day where you are more prepared.  Tomorrow is a fantastical world that is actually full of other ‘todays’.  And on those ‘todays’ your inertia will be just as difficult to shift from rest to motion as on this particular today. 

So, today is your deadline.  Just do it, by hook or by crook.  Ride your bike, send that submission, apply for that job, write that story, pitch that idea, be present in that relationship, sign up for that class. 

Do it badly if you can’t do it well.  Doing something badly still sets your inertia toward motion, and once you are in action you’ll figure out how to do it well. 

The very hardest part of doing something new is starting it.  Starting something new is like rolling a snowball through fresh snow - it’s hard to get it to clump together initially, it’s an awkward angle to push when it’s still small.  But once you get it going it picks up more and more snow along the way, and pretty soon you’ve got the makings of a snowman.  As you roll it you adjust your path to pick up the most snow more and more efficiently, you learn about where to place your hands, you find the downhill path - the more in motion you become the more you learn about how to move forward. 

But you will never make a snowman if you don’t make a snow ball first.  And if you don’t do it today, the snow could be melted tomorrow.  Or crusted over with ice.  Or peed on.

So, I’m giving you a deadline of today.  You have until midnight, TONIGHT. Get started!
 
(If you make a change today – tell me about it!  Post it in the comments, shoot me an email, I want to cheerlead your momentum! I want your community to rally around you!) 
 
Kendra Lubalin is a coach at Get There Coaching
Kendra works one-on-one with clients to clarify their dreams, break them down into bite-sized realistic steps, and then reach them using their own organic work/organizational styles. 
She offers free 20-30 minute initial phone consultations.and offers sessions by phone, Facetime, or Skype
gettherecoaching.com
[email protected]
510-414-1543

​I’m someone who’s done a lot of years and varieties of therapy – Somatic, Narrative, and EMDR, to name a few.  I’ve been involved with twelve step groups.  I’ve also worked mainly in religious institutions  –  synagogues specifically.  And, I spent a number of years in my twenties working both as a massage therapist and a self defense instructor.  In other words, much of my adult life, and my professional life, has been spent in environments where part, if not all, of the intent was personal and spiritual healing and growth. 
 
There are obvious reasons for me to be drawn to this kind of work.  My past includes childhood trauma, and I have lived with PTSD since I was quite young.  I have also struggled with food addiction for most of my life.  The work I’ve done on and for myself: seeking to heal my relationships with myself – body and soul, with others, with the world, and with various concepts of spirituality, has been vital to understanding how I function, what matters to me, and what my core beliefs are.   

But in some ways they all taught me the same thing about myself – that I was broken.  Trauma effects the development of children’s brains and influences how we see and react to the world moving forward, I learned in therapy.  I am powerless over the addict in me, and my relationships with the addicts/mentally ill people in my life, I learned in twelve step.  The horror stories I heard as a self defense instructor, compounded by the horror stories I couldn’t escape in the news and in the lives of my friends and loved ones, taught me that not only was I a broken person, but I lived in a broken world, full of other broken people.  In my efforts to impart Jewish values to others I came face to face with my own lack of faith, in the state of the world, in other people, and in a concept of ‘God’. 

Ongoing childhood trauma teaches a core message that the world isn’t safe, that other people aren’t safe, and that the worst really can happen - and when it does, sometimes there is no one to save you from it, including yourself.  So I lived much of my adult life using every tool I could find to try to compensate for this brokenness, to somehow accept it, and to make peace with the brokenness I saw all around me.

When I started studying coaching, in my very first introductory class I was offered this sentence:  “People are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole.”  Immediately, I was totally was on board with the idea that people are naturally creative and resourceful.  In fact surviving ongoing childhood trauma calls heavily on and really develops those traits.  But ‘whole’?  That struck a sour note for me.  Most humans seemed to me so fragile, so tenuous, many seemed broken, it felt dismissive of all the hurts we’ve endured to imply that all people are inherently whole. 

But, in this series of coaching classes the teachers asked us to come with a 'beginner’s mind’ - to put aside our notions and ideas and just be open to what they were offering for the days we were in class.  We could always dismiss it after learning it, they said, but they invited us to try everything on as though it might be true. Just to give ourselves the chance to really try it out before making a call about it’s value or truthfulness.  So, I did.  I tried on the idea that people are naturally whole. 

One of the core practices in coaching is asking and answering powerful questions.  Through working with coaches myself and through studying coaching, I’ve been asked many such powerful questions, and a handful of them have changed my life.  The amazing gift of coaching, that for me differs from every other thing out there, is that it invites you to be open to radically shifting the place from which you orient.  So that weekend, the powerful question for me was: What if I am whole?  Then what?

We did a series of exercises in class which led us to create a core statement of purpose.  Mine was: I carry the message that humans are vulnerable and need to be held as priceless and precious.  That was a radical shift in thinking for me.  Not because I didn’t believe in the value of the human heart and body before, but because I didn’t carry that message before.  The message I carried before was closer to: humans are precious and priceless, but they are vulnerable, and that is scary and it sucks. 

If I’m the messenger of this new idea, it means, in my relationship with my adult self, I know that because I’m vulnerable it’s my job to care for myself as something irreplaceable.  It requires of me that I place high value on caring for myself in all situations whether it’s convenient, or whether there are external pressures to do otherwise.  It means viewing myself as something both fragile and whole at the same time.  It means trusting myself to care for myself well.
 
In my relationships with others, being the messenger requires openhearted kindness and acceptance of others as whole too, regardless of circumstance.  It asks me to hold those values higher than the value of quick comfort, or being right, or controlling the outcome.  It says two vulnerable beings can be close together, and both can still be whole.  It also says that I have a fight ahead of me.  There are folks in the world, the big world and my immediate world, who don’t believe that humans are priceless or precious.  If I am carrying this message, I have a cycle to help break, a perspective shift to help enact.  I must be like the prophets, carrying this whole-y message, that all humans need this level of care and concern.  If I ever had a spiritual message to share, this is it.

In my relationship with the world, it means that I am required to have some sense of hope for the future.  It means holding the complexity that while horrible things can and do happen, everyday, so does beauty.  Hope is a balance shift from the belief that the other shoe is always about to drop, to the raw belief that the love and joy in the world is a true gift and at least as powerful as the fear and suffering in the world.  Hope says the only thing between us and a safer world is radical care of each other.  Acceptance of each other.  Seeing each other as whole.  Seeing ourselves as whole.

This is so hard to hold onto in the face of being awake and alive.  But then I was asked another powerful question, and it changed my life.  We were talking about a true life of fulfillment, one that totally honors our core statement of purpose, and about the voices inside that hold us back – Mine: the world is unsafe, people are unsafe, people are often cruel, the safest place is numbed out, better be prepared because suffering is around the corner – and the teacher said, if you really ultimately let those voices be true, if you let them win, then you have to ask yourself ‘How does it feel to choose to live an unfulfilling life?’ It’s a pretty harsh question, but it was a moment of radical shift for me.

What became clear to me, right that second, was that I didn’t have to orient the rest of my life around the trauma of my past.  I didn’t have to let it define me, or own me.  It would always be a part of me, but I had a choice to prioritize a different message, a message of kindness, love, trust, hope, and wholeness.  It was so clear.  It’s not that addiction or PTSD disappeared from my life that day, they are real things, but it gave me a different answer for them, a new clarity.  A very simple answer really: they are not my priority anymore, my priority is holding myself and others and our world as priceless and precious. 

My life before that point was dictated by one series of truths, but after that moment I had a new option, one that I also knew in my gut as a truth.  Now in every moment I have a choice, to turn toward the limitations and pain of the lessons of my past, or to choose a radically new path of care of self, care of others, foundational wholeness. 

As you can see, I decided to keep the idea that people are naturally whole past that weekend.  I still find the world heartbreaking very often.  And frightening.  I know I am vulnerable, those I love are vulnerable, and those I don’t know are also vulnerable.  I know there is much suffering. But while heartbreaking, I do not find the world soul-breaking in the way I used to.  In the face of horror, I have a core truth, I know that humans are priceless and precious, and that my mission is to seek out those who are doing work to honor and to spread that and join them.  I know that in my relationships I can choose to honor that.  I know that I can honor that in myself.   In my work as a coach, I find that one of the core messages I carry to my clients is that each of them is truly whole.  A radical shift for me.  A radical shift for a few of my clients as well. 
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This is what a handful of powerful questions did for me.  They transformed my understanding of my core truths, and therefore my choices, and therefore my entire approach to my life.  And from that place of transformation, I offer you a few powerful questions of your own, and request that you please consider them with a 'beginner’s mind’: Do you prioritize your core values and deepest purpose everyday?  Are they the message you carry to the world?  Are they the message you carry into your interactions with your loved ones?  Are they the message you bring in how you care for yourself?  If not, what if they were, every single day? 

In career counseling, the core premise is that work that is a good fit for you will utilize your learned skills and innate talents and will present in a way that matches your temperament/personality and your work/organizational style.  Rather than deciding ‘I want to be a lawyer’ and therefore I need to become someone who is intellectual, a keen negotiator, assertive, willing to work 80 hour weeks, etc., the approach focuses on understanding who you are, and allowing that knowledge to point you in a good direction. 

There are many career tests that can give you insight into what might be a good fit for you in your work life.  As research for this blog post, I just took one online and it said this about me: “ability and desire to bring out the most in others….You instinctively understand others' needs and you are very adept at giving a timely word of inspiration and affirmation. You have the natural, positive ability to "rally people" to action…. You are able to see the “big picture”, while also putting a high value on organization, productivity, and meeting deadlines.” This list is a small sampling of the traits and skills that make me well suited to be a coach. When seeking clarity about direction, I’m a big fan of this approach.

But what if I already had that clarity and knew that I didn’t want to be a coach at all and really wanted to be a lawyer?  What would happen then?  Would I be doomed?  Would I need to change?  Would it even be possible? And if it was possible would I have to change my values?  Or my time with my children? 

One of the fundamental tenets of my coaching practice is that uncovering your skills, talents, temperament, and productivity style can be useful NO MATTER WHAT YOUR DIRECTION.  Let’s say I have three clients who want to get more regular exercise.  The first is very athletic, organizes best by setting long terms tasks and working methodically toward a goal, and is most motivated by accountability to others.  The second likes to move if it feels fun and playful, organizes best by having routines, and is motivated by the intrinsic reward of feeling alive in their body.  And the third has never really consistently exercised, organizes best taking slow steady incremental steps, and is motivated by meeting other people’s needs.  The first might end up in a training group for a marathon, the second in a weekly dance class, and the third taking a nightly walk with their dog and their fitbit, each day a little farther.   Regardless of their differences, all three are now getting regular exercise.  By understanding who they are, how they get things done, and what motivates them successfully, they can move toward their goal regardless of how well it lines up with their profile. 

So if I wanted to be a lawyer, it would need to be me, as I am, who became a lawyer.  In bringing my skills and talents, I’d recognize those parts of me that can articulate any argument passionately and that cherish a devil’s advocate.  I’d organize myself by pulling out to look at the big picture: like my belief that our justice system is flawed and has intrinsic biases, so that I’d have my compass pointed in the right direction as I took slow and steady steps toward researching law schools. I’d call on my passion for social justice and being a part of the solution to be my motivation.  And I’d understand my work style and needs around work/life balance as I looked at programs and eventually jobs.  By understanding who I am, how I work, and what drives me, I could accomplish this goal, or any goal. 

As it happens, I don’t want to be a lawyer, and have used my skills, talents, organizational style, and intrinsic motivation to build this coaching practice, where I have found great joy in my work. And while it may seem a natural fit for me now that I'm settled in it, it was just a fantasy when I was looking at it from the vantage point of my previous career.  

Do you have passions you don’t pursue because you think you’d need to be different first?  What if who you are is actually a perfect fit with whatever you most want to do?  Can you imagine the limitless possibilities?

Kendra Lubalin is a coach at Get There Coaching
Kendra works one-on-one with clients to clarify their dreams, break them down into bite-sized realistic steps, and then reach them using their own organic work/organizational styles. 
She offers free 20-30 minute initial phone consultations.and offers sessions by phone, Facetime, or Skype
gettherecoaching.com
[email protected]
510-414-1543

One thing that I’ve noticed to be a frequent obstacle to people following their true dreams is the feeling that the thing you want is SO BIG.  For someone who is considering coaching, there is often a burning desire for something, and/or a significant dissatisfaction with something.  Sometimes the enormity of the endeavor can feel paralyzing.  Starting a new business, finishing a creative project, making a meaningful impact in the world, improving your parenting skills, creating a practice of self care, leaving a bad situation: The things that draw people to coaching are BIG things.  These dreams can feel so overwhelming that it’s difficult to know how to even begin, and so people feel stuck. 

Before I became a coach, I worked in Jewish education for many years.  One of my favorite Jewish concepts is called Teshuva.  It’s a ritual that takes place at the start of a new year.  It is often translated to mean things like amends, or repentance, and is often practiced as an admission of wrong doing for the past year, and a hope to do better in the coming year.  But the literal translation of Teshuva is ‘return’ or ‘turn around.’  From practicing this ritual myself, I came to understand that ‘turning around’ is usually the first step forward in a new direction. 

Sometimes we know we’re walking down the wrong path, but we’re so far down the path, there is this strong feeling that we should keep going further.  Even though we can feel, in our guts, that the path isn’t for us, it’s the path we know, the path others expect to find us on, and it may have a level of comfort for us even if it also has discomforts we’ve learned to tolerate. We can see the things ahead that are markers of achievement, so we feel compelled to keep going.  When we consider walking on a different path, it seems so far behind us, it feels impossible to go back. 

What is amazing to me, and I’m sure you’ve actually experienced this in small and big ways, is that it isn’t getting ‘all the way back’ to the new path that shifts our lives, it’s the simple act of being willing to turn around.  This actually IS the moment of starting on the new path.  The new path is always only one step away from us, just in a new direction.  I love this because the rewards of the new path begin as soon as we are on it.  We don’t need to reach the end of the new path to feel that we are living our dream life, we just need to be walking in the right direction.  Being in the process of living our most authentic life feels AS RIGHT as living in it every day.  In fact sometimes it feels even better, because life is about journey and growth, and being authentically in and open to that process is one of the best human feelings out there, the feeling of being alive. 

Have you ever made a tough but right decision, and felt relief as soon as you made the decision, even though you’d done nothing yet to address it?  Or taken one small action toward something you really want and felt strong internal confirmation that this was the right direction?  Our feelings can be our guide in this situation.  Because the truth is that THE THING isn’t what’s so big in this situation, it’s THE NEED that is so big.  So as soon as we start to feed the need, the relief comes.  If you decide to you want to switch jobs, and your dream job requires 4 years of schooling you don’t have, it can feel overwhelming to consider.  But actually taking the step to start filling out an application for a school program you’ve been eyeing, even just filling in your name and address on the form, turns the monumental obstacle in front of you into a path that lead to your dream.  It feeds your need, and the feeling of overwhelm gets quickly replaced by excitement and hope and expansive thinking. 

The other thing that I think is amazing about turning around is that THE THING actually does get smaller when we are facing it!  This happens for two reasons.  First, when we are really looking something head on, we are seeing the reality of it, which is finite, instead of the idea of it, which is infinite.  This perspective shift gives what we are seeking to do boundaries, small achievable next steps, and an end point.

 Second, when we move toward something that is really right for us, a kind of magic often happens.  It’s like when you are in a big airport and there are ‘people movers’ in the hallways.  They are similar to escalators but flat, and you walk on them while they also move you forward, so you can cover more ground.  Walking toward our true dreams is often like that, we are still walking at the same pace, but the world starts carrying us forward more and more quickly, because everyone around us can also feel that we are on a really good path.  Moving toward a true dream has an exponential quality to the movement, it’s not just turning around, it’s turning from a direction where we were sailing into the wind, to a new direction where the wind is in our sails. 
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THE THING you want, the thing that feels SO BIG and out of reach, it is actually only one step away – the first step in a new direction.  Take it and see what happens.